Englische Witze

Zitat

Ich glaube der ist Hyperaktiv

ja, das war ich, aber dann bist du ja jeden tag hyperaktiv!
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Collards is green,
my dog's name is Blue
and I'm so lucky
to have a sweet thang like you.

Yore hair is like cornsilk
a-flapping in the breeze.
Softer than Blue's
and without all them fleas.

You move like the bass,
which excite me in May.
You ain't got no scales
but I luv you anyway.

Yo're as satisfy'n as okry
jist a-fry'n in the pan.
Yo're as fragrant as "snuff"
right out of the can.

You have some'a yore teeth,
for which I am proud;
I hold my head high
when we're in a crowd.

On special occasions,
when you shave under yore arms,
well, I'm in hawg heaven,
and awed by yore charms.

Still them fellers at work,
they all want to know,
what I did to deserve
such a purdy, young doe.

Like a good roll of duct tape
yo're there fer yore man,
to patch up life's troubles
and fix what you can.

Yo're as cute as a junebug
a-buzzin' overhead.
You ain't mean like those far ants
I found in my bed.

Cut from the best cloth
like a plaid flannel shirt,
you spark up my life
more than a fresh load of dirt.

When you hold me real tight
like a padded gunrack,
my life is complete;
Ain't nuttin' I lack.

Yore complexion, it's perfection,
like the best vinyl sidin'.
despite all the years,
yore age, it keeps hidin'.

Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie
with a RC cold drank,
we go together
like a skunk goes with stank.

Some men, they buy chocolate
for Valentine's Day;
They git it at Wal-Mart,
it's romantic that way.

Some men git roses
on that special day
from the cooler at Kroger.
That's impressive," I say.

Some men buy fine diamonds
from a flea market booth.
"Diamonds are forever,"
they explain, suave and couth.

But for this man, honey,
these won't do.
Cause yor'e too special,
you sweet thang you.

I got you a gift,
without taste nor odor,
more useful than diamonds......
IT'S A NEW TROLL'N MOTOR!!

LOL

Amazing Strength
Before the final match, the American wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this "pretzel" hold he has. Whatever you do, don't let him get you in this hold! If he does, you're finished!"

The wrestler nodded in agreement.

Now, to the match: The American and the Russian circled each other several times looking for an opening. All of a sudden the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold! A sigh of disappointment went up from the crowd, and the trainer buried his face in his hands for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the ending.

Suddenly there was a scream, a cheer from the crowd, and the trainer raised his eye just in time to see the Russian flying up in the air. The Russian's back hit the mat with a thud, and the American weakly collapsed on top of him, getting the pin and winning the match.

The trainer was astounded! When he finally got the American wrestler alone, he asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"

The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of balls right in front of my face. I thought I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls!"

Animal Football Game

There was a football game between the big animals and the little animals. The big animals were crushing little animals and at half-time, the coach made a passionate speech to rally the little animals.

At the start of the second half the big animals had the ball. The first play, the elephant got stopped for no gain. The second play, the rhino was stopped for no gain. On third down, the hippo was thrown for a 5 yard loss.

The defense huddled around the coach and he asked excitedly, "Who stopped the elephant?"

"I did," said the centipede.

"Who stopped the rhino?"

"Uh, that was me too," said the centipede.

"And how about the hippo? Who hit him for a 5 yard loss?"

"Well, that was me as well," said the centipede.

"So where were you during the first half?" demanded the coach.

"Well," said the centipede, "I was having my ankles taped."

Marriage is a 3-ring-project.
1st, there is the engagement-ring
2nd, there is the marriage-ring
3rd, there is the suffering

ROB 316i E46 im Geplauder :eek:

Ich fass es nicht

Welcome back Rob

A Woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office for a check up. Afterwards, the doctor took the wife aside and said, "Unless you do the following things, your husband will surely die."

The doctor then went on to say, "Here's what you need to do, every morning, make sure you serve him a good healthy breakfast. Meet him at home each day for lunch so you can serve him a well-balanced meal. Make sure you feed him a good, hot meal each evening and don't over burden him with any stressful conversation, nor ask him to perform any household chores. Also, keep the house spotless and clean so he doesn't get exposed to any threatening germs."

On the way home, the husband asked the wife what the doctor said. She replied, "You're going to die."

A crusty old biker, on a summer ride in the country, walks into a travern and
sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:

CHEESEBURGER: $1.50

CHICKEN SANDWICH : $2.50

HANDJOB: $10.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and
beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive women serving drinks to
a group of farmers.

"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"

"I was wondering," whispers the biker, "are you the young lady who gives the
hand-jobs?"

"Yes," she purrs, "I am."

The old biker replies, "Well, wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger."

Congress Votes to Outsource Presidency

Bestechende Idee. Eigentlich müsste das mit Merkel doch auch funktionieren.

Gruss
Andreas

Moin,

internes betriebliches Trainingsprogramm:

To: All Employees
From: Training Department
Subject: Additional training for all staff

(a) It is now, and always has been, the policy of this company to make sure all is employees are well trained through our SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING programme, (S.H.I.T.) for short. We have given our employees more S.H.I.T. than any other company in this area.

If any employee feels that he or she does not receive enough S.H.I.T. on the job, or that he or she could advance to another position by taking more S.H.I.T. please see your immediate supervisor.

(b) If you graduate to the top of your grade by taking all the S.H.I.T. that is given to you, you can then qualify for our supervisors programme, COMPLETE RESPOSIBILITY ACTION PROGRAMME (C.R.A.P.) for short.

So to become a member of our management team, simply take all the S.H.I.T. you can and then with all the additional C.R.A.P. you receive, you will soon reach the top.
Any employee who has the initiative and drive to take both S.H.I.T. and C.R.A.P. will soon become one of the elite.

(c) For a limited period only, the company is offering all employees the chance to try for our latest scheme ADVANCED SUPERVISOR STAFF HELPING OUR LOCAL EMPLOYEE, or A.S.S.H.O.L.E. for short.

So work hard and you will find that the more S.H.I.T. you take and the more C.R.A.P. you can handle, you will qualify as an A.S.S.H.O.L.E. for sure.

Subject: CAJUN MATH

A Cajun Shrimper wants a job cleaning up the oil spill, but the BP Foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test.

Here is your first question, the foreman said. 'Without using numbers, represent the number 9.'

'Without numbers?' The Cajun says, 'Dat is easy.' And proceeds to draw three trees.

'What's this?' the boss asks.

'Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine,' says the Cajun.

'Fair enough,' says the boss. 'Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99.'

The Cajun stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. 'Ere you go.'

The boss scratches his head and says, 'How on earth do you get that to represent 99?'

'Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99.'

The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Cajun, so he says, 'All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100.'

The Cajun stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, 'Ere you go. One hundred.'

The boss looks at the attempt. 'You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!'

The Cajun leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, 'A little dog come along and poop by each tree.. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which make one hundred.'

The Cajun is now the new supervisor ....